The People-Pleaser Trap
Did you know that, according to a 2022 YouGov poll, 49% of Americans described themselves as classic people-pleasers? Nearly half of our nation believes they put other people first in their lives. And that leaves us all wondering, what is the emotional cost of that?
You may be familiar with some of the symptoms: the loss of your own identity, resentment, exhaustion, feeling like your cup is always half-empty, anxiety, or even depression. Some experts even say that people-pleasing can lead to serious, life-altering illnesses such as autoimmune disease or even cancer.
If you haven’t read Dr. Gabor Maté’s book When the Body Says No, I highly recommend it.
So what’s the point of this particular blog? It’s about learning to tolerate the discomfort of using the word “no” and choosing to take care of you instead.
Why Disappointing Others Feels So Hard
The crux of the issue for most people-pleasers is the anticipated reaction from the people they fear disappointing.
Let’s look at the roots of the problem. Often, this fun little personality trait stems from childhood experiences. Maybe you had a parent whose love or happiness was conditional on what you did for them. Or maybe your parent was absent due to their own dysfunction—alcohol or drug use, overworking, or simply not showing up when it was their weekend to have you—and you blamed their absence on yourself.
Perhaps you grew up in a structured or religious environment where strict gender roles or expectations made “being good” synonymous with pleasing others.
If these patterns aren’t addressed, they follow you from childhood into adulthood. The behaviors you used to earn love, approval, and belonging become habits that eventually wear you down. The belief that you’re only worthy when someone else decides you are becomes a constant, invisible thread in your life. Overfunctioning at work, in relationships, or as a parent slowly turns you from a rock into a thin, flat stone that might break at any moment.
And then one day, you wake up realizing something just isn’t right anymore.
How People-Pleasing Shows Up
Here are three different spaces—with real-world examples—of what people-pleasing can look like:
In Your Day-to-Day Life
At a restaurant: You order sushi even though you hate it because everyone else voted for sushi, and you don’t want to “be difficult.”
With friends: A friend invites you out when you’re exhausted, but you go anyway because you don’t want them to think you’re boring or flaky.
In conversation: Someone mispronounces your name, and you don’t correct them because you don’t want to embarrass them.
In Romantic and Family Relationships
In a romantic relationship: Your partner snaps at you after a stressful day. Instead of expressing that it hurt, you immediately comfort them and blame yourself for “being too sensitive.”
With family: Your parent guilt-trips you for not visiting enough, so you cancel your weekend plans and drive over even though you needed rest.
In friendships: You’re always the one organizing get-togethers, checking in, or mediating conflict—but no one seems to do the same for you. You keep doing it because you’re afraid of losing connection.
In the Workplace
At work: Your boss emails you at 10 p.m., and you reply right away because you don’t want to seem uncommitted—even though you’re off the clock.
Team dynamics: You take on someone else’s tasks because you don’t want to “cause drama,” even though it means staying late.
With clients or colleagues: You soften your professional opinion (“Maybe I’m wrong, but…”) to avoid sounding assertive or being judged as “too direct.”
What Your Internal World Might Be Screaming
During a disagreement: You feel your chest tighten and rush to apologize, even if you did nothing wrong, just to make the tension go away.
In daily decisions: You constantly ask, “Are you sure that’s okay?” or “Are you okay?” even after being told “yes.”
Emotionally: You feel relief only when others are happy with you—and anxiety when they’re not, even if you haven’t done anything wrong.
After all that…
You replay the interaction over and over in your head, wishing you’d spoken up or said “no.”
You feel resentful or irritated at the person you just accommodated—and then guilty for feeling that way.
Your self-respect takes a hit: “Why do I always do this? Why can’t I just say what I actually want?”
You feel emotionally drained after social interactions, even ones that should be enjoyable.
You start doubting your own preferences or opinions because you’ve been suppressing them for so long.
You experience anxiety before saying no—and shame afterward—even though you did nothing wrong.
The Shift — Learning to Tolerate Discomfort
Here’s the tough part: swimming out past the breakers.
The Angry Therapist often uses this metaphor to describe doing the hard work that leads to calmer waters. As a native Californian and former Floridian, this resonates. The closer you are to shore, the rougher the waves—riptides, crashing surf, chaos. But further out, the water smooths.
So, let’s look at some baby steps that might actually feel doable:
#1 Catch Yourself
Awareness is everything in this first step. Even if you slip into people-pleasing, take a moment to reflect. Notice where you felt it in your body and get curious about that automatic “yes.”
#2 Baby No’s Are Still No’s
Maybe it’s more about negotiating than giving a hard “no.”
Example: Someone asks you to help them move this weekend in exchange for pizza and beer. But hey—you’re 40, and your body (and soul) have no interest. You’d rather enjoy some solo time and watch the next episode of Love Is Blind: Denver Edition.
Try:
“Hey, I’d love to help, but I’m not available that day. How about I drop by and bring some snacks to make the move easier?”
You’re not fully in, but you’re not ghosting either. That’s striking a balance.
#3 “But Did You Die???”
Maybe not the most appropriate title—but here we are. Sit in the discomfort. It sucks, I know. But if you’ve made it this far into this dissertation of a blog, you clearly want change.
You owe it to yourself. Say the thing you need to say—and sit with it, whatever comes. Good or bad.
Reflection
If there’s one thing I want you to remember, it’s this: the person asking you to do something you don’t want to do will be okay—no matter what you decide. It might feel uncomfortable for them, just like it feels uncomfortable for you in the beginning. And that is normal when you start making changes. But that discomfort? It’s growth.
And growth can be tough, especially when you’ve trained people to expect you to always give in to their wants and needs.
As you start making these small shifts, you’ll begin to see yourself differently. You’ll notice who stays in your life, who drifts away—and why that’s actually a good thing. Every little boundary you set will ripple outward, creating change not just within you, but around you.
So do it for you.
Do it for the younger version of you—the one who just wanted to feel loved, wanted, and worthy.
