Understanding Family Estrangement: Grief, Healing, and Moving Forward
My writing is often inspired by what I'm experiencing myself or by what I witness in the therapy room. As therapists, we're often taught to be blank slates—to leave ourselves outside the room and become a sounding board for our clients. While I believe that has its place, I've also found that thoughtful self-disclosure can normalize what someone is experiencing and remind them they aren't alone. Even after years of practice, it can still feel like walking a fine line. (Veterans are the exception)
Early this morning, I was woken up by my senior dog, who needed to go outside—a common occurrence in our home. As I tried to fall back asleep, I was flooded with thoughts about my relationship (or lack thereof) with my parents. This time, they chose to walk away from both my brother and me after what felt like a feeble attempt at family therapy. They often linger in my thoughts. Rumination is your mind's attempt to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. It's the ongoing negotiation with reality—as if thinking about it one more time might somehow change the outcome.
Family estrangement has become a much more common conversation in recent years. You'll find it discussed everywhere—from Oprah to news articles to podcasts. At its core, estrangement is when one or more family members choose to end the relationship after years of conflict, hurt, or sometimes a single event that changes everything.
There are stages of mourning when it comes to family estrangement. Much like a death, except these people are walking around alive and not choosing a relationship with you. Or maybe you’re the one who walked away, after years of screaming into the wind for change and nothing came. Regardless of the side of the aisle you’re on, the stages remain the same. Dr. William Worden, PhD, Clinical Psychologist and author of Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, identifies four tasks of mourning that people move through, often repeatedly rather than linearly. They are: Accepting the reality of the loss, processing the pain of grief, adjusting to the world without that person/people, and finding lasting connection with others while moving forward.
In my situation, I have had a 42-year war with my family dynamic. As a child, I was blamed for the chaos of my parents’ young love and tumultuous arguments and often carried the blame as though it belonged to me. During my childhood, I endured physical punishment that got worse with age, and emotional neglect, which left me pining for the acceptance of just about anyone. Even as an adult in my late 20’s, my brother had to intervene and protect me during a scary altercation.
I followed chaos into adulthood. At 18, I joined the military during wartime. I married twice into less-than-ideal situations. I made life-changing decisions without telling anyone until they were already done. Looking back, those choices make sense—they were made by someone who had learned to rely only on herself.
My parents did their best, and I truly believe that. They came from alcoholism, profound emotional neglect, and physical abuse. How does anyone even have a chance in that kind of situation? In my humble opinion, you have two choices. Repeat what you know or dig deep to be different. Breaking generational patterns is incredibly hard work, and not everyone is willing—or able—to do it.
Many therapists I know didn't arrive here by accident. We've often spent years making sense of our own experiences before helping others make sense of theirs. Every day, I watch people carry burdens they never chose. Some were misunderstood. Some were never given the right diagnosis. Some learned survival strategies that kept them safe as children but now keep them stuck as adults. Most of all, I watch people believe they have no choice because they've lived the same story for so long.
Hear me when I say this: You don’t have to do it alone, but no one else can do the work for you.
The work is important. Do I think everyone should be in therapy? No. Do I think everyone should try it at least once? Absolutely. Therapy isn't saying that you’re broken. It's about learning how you work. No one comes with an owner's manual, but therapy is probably the closest thing you'll find. It helps you understand why you react the way you do, what shuts you down, what helps you thrive, and how to navigate life with greater intention. Life doesn't become easier because your problems disappear. It becomes easier because you finally know how to operate.
Healing isn't about getting your family back. It isn't about changing someone else's mind. It's about reclaiming your own life. And that work—while difficult—is worth every ounce of effort.
Thank you for letting me share a piece of my story.
Resources
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner (5th ed.). Springer Publishing.
Worden, J. W. (1996). Tasks and Mediators of Mourning: A Guideline for the Mental Health Practitioner.In Session: Psychotherapy in Practice.
